Tracey Cox Remote Control Vibrator Love Egg Review 3/10

 

First of all let me just say that when somebody invents a vibrating egg that can actually get me to orgasm I will build a shrine, tattoo its name on my forehead and worship its creator with the vigor of a thousand religious nut-balls. From my point of view these aren’t designed with that goal in mind (if they are then oh-boy they are failing miserably), as far as I can tell they are a toy designed for ‘teasing’ – the starter before your main, the ticket before the gig… basically an orgasm-less ‘foreplay’. Hmm

I’ve long given up my search for a vibrating egg that does anything more than buzz pathetically inside me like it holds an exhausted-half-dead bee within its shell. The Tracey Cox Love Egg is NOT an exception to the hoard of fail-hard-internal-eggs I’ve tried – it’s the rule and I’m here to tell you all about it.

 

Now this is the least shitty of the battery powered variety of eggs I’ve tried so far, but also one of the most expensive at almost forty quid. It’s design is both fantastically ‘non-girly’ in the marketing sense (for the record YES I’m super glad that its not pink, covered in butterflies or shaped like a love heart) and yet still its weirdly wrong to me. It looks like a car gadget with its black plastic and chrome-y bling and that doesn’t really make me want to stick it in my vagina.

It takes three batteries; two N batteries in the egg and one 23A in the remote. What makes the battery powered aspect even worse is that these are not the kind of batteries you are likely to have lying around the house! Both compartments are easy to open the remote back slides off and the egg twists apart.

The egg is a pretty basic shape with no real taper to aid insertion and is an average size for a vibrating egg at 4.5″ in circumference. It’s made of plastic and has a chrome band around it that I’m uneasy about putting inside me. The egg also has a ‘retrieval cord’ which I would guess also works as a transmitter, it seems to be plastic wrapped wire… Sexy.

Insertion of this egg isn’t the easiest thing and is best done with ample lube. I’d much prefer a slightly slimmer design with a greater taper to it. Once in there is absolutely no worry of it falling out – one bonus to it being large but light weight.

To connect the remote press the [on/off] button and the egg should start buzzing – this may take a few attempts. You can then flip through the seven settings using the other button [7] you’ll find three ‘normal’ speeds and four patterns. The first thing you’ll probably notice is the vibrations are totally lame, they aren’t weak per say but they are surface level and buzzy, its a type of vibration that doesn’t travel well at all.

The range on this toy is pretty impressive, probably one of the best, even when inserted it seems to still listen to the remote reliably up to about 3 meters away. The egg isn’t whisper quiet which I think really is a necessity for a toy like this thats supposed to be discreet. If you wanted to wear it out you would need to be going somewhere with a lot of background noise like a busy bar or a gig.

There is some level of fun to be had with a remote like this, it’s still exciting to have a person able to stimulate your genitals from across a crowded room while you’re fully clothed, I just wish that stimulation translated to pleasure in some way. We have used it when I’m all tied up and being spanked, tortured and denied orgasm, its almost a punishment in itself – as I want him so badly inside me but all he’ll let me have is the occasional buzz of this between spanks.

Cleaning the egg is not as simple as it would seem, vag gunk might get inside the gap where the egg screws together and you’ll probably need to be careful when cleaning this part. The bit where the wire/retrevial cord meets the egg also harbors gunk and is difficult to clean. When it comes to storing the egg don’t leave the batteries in it as it’s capable of draining a new set of batteries overnight.

What I did enjoy getting out of this egg, was more down to us being super creative, kinky and into each other than the egg itself, any other basic egg would probably achieve this level of enjoyment for us. It’s never going to be a favorite toy, its not going to be that thing I look at and say isn’t it just beautiful? Doesn’t it just make you wanna shove it all up in your oraphices? It’s not a toy that I’ll use regularly or hanker after. I’ll never use this toy solo. With a bit of work it can be an enhancer to kink play/exhibitionism but in its own right its really not a great toy.

If I’ve somehow managed to convince you that you need this toy (stranger things have happened) you can buy it here, for £39.99.

Mini-rant alert! – Why oh why must we call it a love egg? I feel like my vagina is about to hatch a care-bear or something. Just stop with this shit already, sex toys and love don’t need to be synonymousbecause sex and love are not synonymous!