Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar Review

Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar

Disclaimer: In return for my frank review, Lovehoney supplied me with a free Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar. YMMV. Click any image to embiggen.

The Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar, sold by Lovehoney, is one of five vibrators in the fresh Wonderland range of Doc Johnson, based (as you might imagine) on Alice’s weird world in Wonderland. The personality of the Caterpillar is based on this specific mint-green vibrator. I enjoy all of Alice’s stuff in Wonderland, whether it’s based on the novel itself or just using that kind of quirky gothic style, so I wanted to try it out.

Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar
Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar

PACKAGING

Packaging is very impressive, especially for a business I usually don’t associate with sophistication. First, a soft, white cardboard sleeve with a fancy gold-colored lettering that shows a Pleasurepillar picture supported by a chessboard in the Wonderland style. There’s a white box with the beautiful gothic Doc Johnson Wonderland logo on it once you slip off this sleeve. The box’s top, bottom and right edge are intended to look like a book’s yellowed pages, and the box opens like one too, with a concealed magnet closed.

Inside, the Pleasurepillar is held opposite another gothic image in a flocked plastic insert that shows the five vibrators in the range of the Wonderland. Above this is a tiny quantity of blurb which also refers to the fact that each item in the range is made of body-safe silicone, has 10 functions and is waterproof. Sadly, this is the only product data that you really get apart from an extremely generic safety leaflet hidden behind the flocked insert, but the packaging is great apart from that. Classy, very real to the gothic style of Alice in Wonderland and quite luxurious in fact. I really enjoy it!

PLEASUREPILLAR

The Pleasurepillar on the battery cap is produced of ABS plastic and is made of silicone everywhere else, making it body-safe and non-porous. The plastic as well as the silicone are extremely smooth and silky, giving the toy a beautiful surface. The toy’s color really appealed to me too, with a nice shade of mint green. Unfortunately, however, there seemed to be some discoloration on mine, as the plastic cap and the silicone shaft were distinct but similar colors that really ruined the toy’s appearance.

The toy is5.4′′ long and approximately cylindrical, with three bulges along the shaft before curving into a small bulbous head. The shaft at the widest curve is 1.3′′ in diameter and 1′′ at the narrowest and the bulbous tip is an ellipse, approximately 1′′ by 1.25′′. It is waterproof and a single AA battery is required, but it is not provided.

The head shape is a kind of bulbous curve that resembles a thumb pad and is very well formed to rub over the clitoris. The tip’s smooth curve feels very pleasurable and works really well to circle around my clit and glide over my skin smoothly.

As for the shaft, from the last bulge upwards the toy is flexible, with no inner structure under the silicone. This makes for an exciting experience as although with the Pleasurepillar’s head you can apply a fair bit of pressure and accuracy, the shaft is given a fair bit.

The toy shaft’s caterpillar-like bulges are very vexing. Externally, they are pointless and internally they make it difficult to insert the toy and get a lot in the manner of moving it inside and back. That said, aside from the inconvenient bulges, this thing finds my G-spot rather well and stimulates it, although some may find the problem of flexibility off-putting.

VIBRATION

The Pleasurepillar is a vibrator that does quite a few good things, except that none of them is “a vibrator.” It’s pretty, it’s secure, it’s awesome, but it’s soft, buzzy, and awfully designed.

You click the button on the base once to switch it on to run the Pleasurepillar and then each time you want to modify the mode. You hold the button for two seconds to switch it off. It comes with 10 modes: 3 speeds and 7 patterns. I would therefore personally define the modes: (1)’ elevated’ speed, (2) medium velocity, (3) low velocity, (4) quick pulses, (5) quick pulses, (6) mildly slower pulses, (7) quick pulses that are almost indistinguishable from the first quick pulses, (8) tiny slow pulses, (9) large slow pulses and (10) pathetic clicks. But here’s a video that will probably be more useful… Do you think these patterns look the same? They’re also doing my clitoris. There are quite a few of them, sure, but at imperceptibly distinct speeds they are basically all distinct types of pulsing. Where is the ups and downs? The tidal wave? The rapid and slow variations? The point of patterns seems to me to be variety, and you just don’t get it here.

It’s a nice job the base softly lights up and also flicks with the patterns in time, otherwise I would scarcely understand the thing was bloody on. It’s fairly quiet (apparently quieter than the hum on the video of my camera), which is great if you’re in it, but louder than it’s powerful. And that’s because it’s awfully fragile. Buzzy as weak and hell.

I can’t really say enough to get this across here “buzzy as hell and terribly weak.” The vibrations bear appallingly and are stronger than a watch-battery bullet, and if in terms of strength you are badly compared to a watch-battery bullet, you can also give up. I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was on my clitoris on “pathetic flicker” mode. I can’t say it’s on any of the types or strengths when I use it on my G-spot and placed another vibrator on my clitoris. This is really a problem because although the Pleasurepillar does quite well in rubbing my G-spot (again, bulges aside), I can’t really feel the vibrations there. It may not be a vibrator as well. And if it may not be a vibrator as well, it may also be one of my dildos I own better-at-rubbing-my-G-spot-and-not-plagued-with-bulges.

Thing is, to make-any-goddamn-sense-whatsoever supporters, there are two things on the Pleasurepillar that are effectively worse than their weak velocity and they are both linked.

First, it’s back to that pattern and speed description. Have you noticed how the three speeds are going from top to bottom? I just hope you don’t appreciate slowly warming up through your toys ‘ energy levels, because if you do, you’ll discover yourself looping through every other mode to get the next velocity. Ridiculous. Of course, at the greatest velocity, I just bung fragile vibrators like this and hardly think I’m actually with the We-Vibe Tango, but it’s still incredibly dumb.

Secondly, when you turn it off, the way the vibrator operates and turn it on again. Look at this, more curious and curious! So what, the Pleasurepillar has a memory function (generally a feature that remembers which mode you were on when you turned off the toy and turned it on in the same mode), but it effectively remembers the mode you were on and then returns to the next series mode? Are you really shouting at me? It makes me want to tear out my hair, dear God! That’s just that dumb! That’s the worst thing it could do other than beginning on a completely random setting. I hope you don’t take any of the methods with a specific fancy, because if you switch off to get some lube or something and then come back to wanking, you’re going to have to go through every other mode to get to the one you used. Every. Frickin’. Time.

So when I bring it at the greatest velocity, switch it off to keep the battery while I grab a dildo and get back to it, it’s moving on and becoming weaker. And to get back to where I was, I have to press the button as fast as I can. And I hope I don’t rush past it by accident. Or throw the Pleasurepillar on a raging wall accidentally. Who created this? Would it have been SATAN?!

CONCLUSION

If nothing else in this review says you anything, attempt this: I’ve never been as upset with the Pleasurepillar as I’ve ever been. Even the distressing Doc Johnson 10X Power Bullet was fragile and rubbish. It’s weak, rubbish and unbelievably badly designed.

Good points: the packaging and the theme are beautiful and I really like the idea of literary-inspired toys (I hope the Wonderland will not put others off making more), the color is beautiful, the vibrator is made of decent body-safe materials and the head shape is really good.

Bad points: being a vibrator is anything to do with it, plus the irritating bulges.

Certainly, some individuals like gentle vibrations, but even if that’s what you’re after, there’s better toys for you out there than that. Toys that have an ounce of common sense. I know, I know, I should find it brilliantly appropriate and very dedicated that everything is topsy-turvy and nonsensical in this Wonderland-themed vibrator, but let’s face it: it wasn’t a nice literary node effort. Pure and simple, this is bad design. I want my vibrators to be powerful, ideally straightforward, simple to use and practical. None of these are the Pleasurepillar.

However, if you are still forced to purchase one, you can now pick up a Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar from Lovehoney. Otherwise, I might have one thing to do if I haven’t cut off his head. ♦