Generally the existence of ‘couples toys’ irks me. Like most sex-bloggers I’m sick of the adamant-pig-headed design and marketing of toys as if everybody is in a hetero monogamous relationship – because OBVIOUSLY there are only ever going to be two people in any sexual relationship and one will definitely have a vagina and the other a penis.
However I’ve always secretly loved the idea of remote controlled sex toys. Specifically vibrating eggs. The thought that I could just shove something up inside my vagina, put on my clothes and wander outside with it just sitting there, poised to provide pleasure at the click of a button, had me excited as hell to get my hands/vagina on one.
I had this image of how using a remote control toy would be;
I saunter through the crowd at our local pub on music night, reaching Chris who turns to look at me with that half open mouthed expression that shows what I’m wearing is damn sexy – bettered only by the mischievous glint in my eye. I hold my hand out to him and he offers me his, I press a small remote into his palm. There are only two buttons and I hope he works it out quickly. Giving him my smuttiest smile as he looks up at me in confusion, I resist the urge to point dramatically at my crotch.
Then I wander back to the bar, in hope that he’ll start pressing buttons right when I’m giving the hot bartender the awkward me next please eye contact. Thrilled that I have to try and suppress a roll of pleasure from reaching my facial expression. Fearing and longing to moan out loud in between the other punters and then stare back at them as if they’re the odd ones when they glance at me. I lean against the bar and make eye contact with Chris who has his hand casually in his pocket. He winks at me as he turns the vibrations up to full and I struggle to stay on my feet.
The whole experience leaves me dripping, both of us eager with pupils dilated in that need-to-fuck-now way that they do when primal urges take over. We rush home, or better yet sneak into the toilets together, stopping between urgent kisses just long enough to slip the vibrating egg out before going at it like animals. A passionate hard fuck, slick in my juices – all thanks to a remote control toy.
But life never works out quite the way you planned it. After I’ve spent twenty minutes in the loo’s trying to get the egg to sync with the remote, inserting and removing the egg over and over again, I’ll reach Chris only for him to ask worriedly if my bowels are okay. I’ll nod and sigh internally, damn this is supposed to be sexy. After waiting the appropriate amount of time (long enough for the conversation to move away from bowel movements) I’ll press the remote into his hand. He’ll look at it puzzled but instead of glancing back up at me so I can slip him a dirty knowing grin he’ll loudly exclaim “What is this?” and our friends will peer over to see what he’s got and I’ll have to mutter quick red-faced-excuses about it being a new fob for the garage door.
Once Chris has got the message that I’ve shoved something inside my vagina so that he can play with a plastic remote, I’ll saunter to the bar. Halfway between a stride I will feel something, something that’s similar to the last feeble buzz of a dying bumble bee, was that the toy I’ll wonder? I’ll get my answer when he turns it on again, notching it up to ‘high’ so that my face turns to offended disgust as I realize this toy has had the audacity to call this superficial, shallow, buzzy mess a ‘vibration’.
So yes, generally, vibrating eggs suck. Most are battery powered and weak as shit, the few rechargeable ones seem to have terrible range and almost all of them are too damn loud to use confidently in public.
Remote control cock rings are even trickier, because accidental public boners are generally NOT A GOOD THING. Teamed with a chastity device it can be a sadistically cruel way to have fun with a penis wielding partner BUT vibrations + solid contraption + not internal = louder than ideal noises coming from your crotch.
We’ve found butt plugs are better generally, but finding a remote controlled butt plug that’s comfy enough for long term wear is no easy feat. His arse is certainly easier to please than my own oraphices when it comes to vibrations but comfort factor is the deciding element here, that and making sure it stays put!
The simple fact is the only pleasure I personally get from these items is the mental knowledge that we are doing something that’s perceived as ‘naughty’ – the fear of being caught and the excitement of stimulating each other’s genitals while you’re both fully clothed and across the room from each other. There’s no genuine physical pleasure for me, although admittedly the butt plugs do a better number on him.
I think I’ll stick to going to posh restaurants in a dress or playsuit and then whispering to Chris, as we enter the room of milling socialites, that I’m not wearing any underwear. I’ll stick to the quick gropes when we are the last to leave a room, or the smutty conversations we have in loud bars – high on the knowledge that someone might overhear our filth.
Yes, the remote control is a fun concept, handing over control and not knowing when that buzz will strike next. But I’d rather not have to use a toy with vibrations so pathetically buzzy that they border on being damn-right offensive. Quite frankly I don’t want to have to shoot him a look (that desperately tells him to fucking switch it off) from across a room because the girl next to me just asked why my crotch is buzzing.
With the current outpouring of app controlled rechargeable toys the odds are we’ll find something that really does work for us as a way of teasing in public discreetly. For starters using your phone is a lot less suspicious than some little plastic remote inscribed with the name of a well known sex toy company AND rechargeable toys tend to be a lot stronger. We already think the Nuo is a pretty awesome remote/app controlled butt plug but its not quite quiet enough for us.
For now I’m giving up on sex toys outside the house, but I’m still holding out a little hope for the future!